No message in 2539 days.
Sometimes I get the urge to go back, to send a message, to break the silence, but I know better not to do this. I never was strong when it came to socializing with friends. In the past, I rarely ever went outside, let alone hung out with friends. Senior year of high school changed that. I started to hang out with friends more, skip classes more, and just have fun more. I wasn’t good but I learned how to socialize with other people and learned various social cues and skills. However, my desire to learn and to make as many friends as possible backfired on me. I was often used, often the punching bag of the group, often perceived as the gateway to a high score on a test. I regret it all. I won’t lie, I’ve fucked up a lot in life, but why did it have to end up like this? Why am I like this? I wish I could just start all over again … no, I can’t say that. I’ve come to realize, maybe this world isn’t perfect after all.
Transitioning into college, I felt like I was always the issue. Having trust issues that stemmed from my childhood and my not-so-great senior year of high school only made it worse. Some days, I would just think about all my close friends and wonder if I really trusted them. Just completely out of the blue. It destroyed me. I wish it all would just change. I just wish I was better.
It’s now junior year of college, and I am almost two months in. I can say with confidence, it does get better. Although there’s still a lot for me to learn and change, I believe in the idea that everything in life — the choices, the mistakes, the regrets — serves a purpose and is meant to help you grow. Since high school, I’ve transformed from an introvert to an extrovert. I learned how to keep a conversation going, and it has gifted me many opportunities I am eternally grateful for. Although I am not perfect and sometimes will say/do stupid shit, I am doing what it takes to learn and grow into the best version of myself. I still struggle with trust issues to this day, and I know I won’t ever fully heal from what I experienced in the past, but I am learning to move on. Just recently, I started embracing loneliness and finding joy in it, along with accepting my looks. Then again I am only 20 years old, and I still have plenty of time to learn what it takes.
It takes a lot to admit flaws about yourself to the public, where you don’t know who is truly listening or not, and what intentions they have behind their words. I encourage you one day to just sit down, electronics away, and look inward. “What do I need to fix? How should I fix this?” After that, you’re already halfway there.
304 new messages.
Jonathan Zhang
Copy Editor
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