Okay, it’s no secret that my dad is dead. Big whoop. I feel like every time it gets brought up in conversation everybody gets scarily quiet. (Like a graveyard. LOL.) (Is that not funny?) I mean like — okay, I get it. There’s no right way to answer when I make a dead dad joke or mention him at all. I think I’d probably get quiet too. It’s a quiet thing!! You know, death = funerals = awkward silence from my friends. Ughhh. It sucks. I don’t really know how to get people to understand (especially new people) that it’s not that big of a deal.
Like, yeah, it sucks that my dad’s dead. It’s pretty crappy. Nobody’s a big fan of that. He was an awesome guy, you know? But like, how am I supposed to bring up that he’s an awesome guy when everyone gets so quiet when he’s mentioned at all? Is he a ghost haunting even my own conversation? Or should I keep it quiet in my own brain? Is that more or less polite than the dead dad jokes? Probably a lot more polite, but here’s my take: if it’s my dad that’s dead, it should be me that gets to make a bunch of uncomfortable, awkward jokes. I don’t love how quiet everyone gets when he’s brought up, but like, okay, how are you supposed to react?
I don’t really have an answer. Maybe uncomfortable silence is the only answer I’m allowed to have in response to all the questions and jokes. It could get a loooot sadder than this, honestly. And that’s like, irritatingly typical — that all the dumb questions and silly jokes are actually a big cover up for the stupidly obvious tragedy that lurks in every corner of my life. Like holy shit, might as well take the coping mechanism from a “How To Deal With Grief” manual. So, I guess, be uncomfortably quiet. There’s no real answer for death, LOL.
Whatever, though. #YouOnlyLiveOnce.
I’m not trying to get depressing on main, seriously. I just think the so-called ‘Dead Dad Dilemma’ is pretty trippy. We’re supposed to talk about this stuff, I think. About all the feelings that everyone keeps cooped up inside because it’s not socially acceptable to spill them out. Yeah, some feelings you just have to keep to yourself unless you want to deal with the awkward side-eyes, uncomfortable laugh, and ‘oh-god-what-do-I-say-to-get-her-to-stop-talking’ expressions. Amusing at first, depressing now, there’s no good reaction and no good coping mechanism for someone important dying. Grief is a big, uncomfortable emotion, especially for a bunch of kids who are busy with their own issues. Which is, by the way, totally fine and valid. Everyone’s a person at the end of the day figuring out their own shit. My own grief doesn’t need to impose on everyone else’s struggle. It’s a big, uncomfortable emotion for me too, damn. Sisyphus and my rock, always getting crushed on the same mountain. At the same time, grief kind of … is the mountain? (Insurmountable!) It’s not a perfect metaphor.
I think, after a while, everything just starts feeling like total and utter bullshit. Maybe that’s the real dilemma. Not the dead dad, not the jokes afterwards, not the total and utter scramble to make some sense of your life and everyone’s horrified reaction to it. It’s all very: Wait guys, my life doesn’t feel like a tearjerker made-for-TV movie, so why the hell are we crying? It’s like a shocking realization that, you know, it kinda does suck to have your dad die. The big question mark of it all. Why did this happen to me? Why do I react this way? How do I get everyone to react the way I need them to when I have no idea what that is? What do I do now? And you know, the existential crisis of ‘We’re all going to die one day and like, we can’t stop it at all!!’ It’s just all such bullshit. My reaction, grief, death, everyone’s attempt to be sympathetic when all it does is simultaneously piss me off and make me more angry at myself for being annoyed at people who are just doing their best to be normal and nice. (Also, all sympathy is very much sweet and well-appreciated. It’s just tiring to be reminded that something bad has happened to me.) (The imposter syndrome of: has something that bad happened to me? Or am I just dramatic?)
Which reminds me: the dilemma of walking the line of nice, normal things to post about my dad to remember him vs Hey guys pleaseeee look at me and give me attention and sympathy God my life is SO HARD!!! Kim, there are people that are dying. (Then I remember my dad was one of those people. But boo-hoo, too bad, so sad. Whatever.) How do I get the sympathy I want without feeling like some attention-seeking poser? Do I deserve sympathy for something that isn’t as important as the rest of the world?
Like I said, it’s one giant question mark. One big problem. It’s not just the grief that gets you, it’s the aftermath and the years afterward. Every time I tell someone, he dies a little bit more. So I stop talking when it’s not so funny anymore.
Or maybe I just need a lot more therapy. Okay, that’s enough from me. I’m done being depressing. Let’s go frolic!! It’s springtime!!!!
Lindsay Chen
Copy Intern
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